Sunday, January 1, 2012

A New Year

By the next morning I was more composed and we decided to spend the day hitting some New Year's sales and spending Christmas money that we were given.  Life looked a little brighter when I found a black knee-length puffer coat at J. Crew on sale to replace the flimsy one I found at Gap.  Who wants a flimsy puffer coat?  Anyways...

There is some background information needed before I can move on in our story.  In January of 2010, we had just finished our first year of fertility treatments and were deciding what our next step was going to be.  Either I could go see a Reproductive Endocrinologist who could help us find more answers as to why we couldn't get pregnant or we could pursue adoption.  We decided to go the R.E. route to hopefully find more answers.  It took 10 months before we did any more treatment.  Although the treatments were successful, the outcomes were not.

We were both exhausted by the end of 2010.  The thought of pursuing another option to get a baby was especially exhausting for Chris.  I was treading very lightly in even proposing that we look into adoption in 2011.  I had mentioned it just once to him during our December treatment as my hope of pregnancy had completely faded away.  Our plan was to just wait and see.  Slow the pace down and take a break.

Back to New Year's Day.... After a day of shopping we landed ourselves in a restaurant for a much needed dinner.  We are both quiet as we are both in need of food.  We have learned after nine years of marriage that it is better to stay quiet when you are hungry than to speak up and have your low blood sugar do the talking.  We were also quiet because of the emotional week that we had had.  There just wasn't much to say.

As the meal was coming to close {and it wasn't that good of a meal.  Flat Top Grill.  You have to be a stir fry artist to eat there.  I made poor choices and my meal was the evidence.  Chris liked his though.}  we were still quiet even with food in our bellies.  Out of the silence, Chris said "So, what would be the first thing we would need to do to look into adoption?"  Even though my heart leapt, my face remained calm and I spoke slowly.  The very last thing I wanted to do was pressure Chris into anything that he wasn't ready for.  I did not want to look back and know that we had a child because I manipulated my husband.  I wanted him to lead, and I knew that he would be heavily influenced if I were to start squealing and jumping in my seat.  Calm down lady!

Of course I immediately had an answer for him because I had, of course, done research into our options were we to not get pregnant.  I knew I wanted to work with Bethany Christian Services.  They are very structured and organized in their approach to adoption.  De speaka my language!  I knew the first step before you could apply for adoption was to go to an Information Meeting at one of their local offices.  I told Chris about the Info Mtg, and he stayed quiet.  No response.  "Okay Manda, he's quiet so you stay quiet.  Zip your lip."

We left the restaurant and hit the road to go home.  Half way home Chris said, "Could you look into one of those Information Meetings for us to go to?"  "Sure babe."  I got those two words out right before I began to weep, quietly of course, as to not flaunt that things were going as I had wished.  "Thank you."  He knew those two words did not adequately express my gratefulness for his willingness to once again move forward.

More to come,


  1. This diary is such a cool idea Amanda. Thanks for being willing to make it public and share your experience. I've really loved reading!

  2. Amanda, I'm hooked. So much I didn't know. So much I probably said... Will you forgive me? I want to learn to respond like you did with Chris and listen better. Even when nothing is said.

  3. Amanda, I'm so glad you're writing this, and I'm so glad you both have your daughter.

  4. I love these stories :) Even better that they're non fiction :)