Thursday, November 15, 2012

An Explanation is Due

9 months.  It's been 9 months since I've posted.  Sure, I could pick right back up where the story left off, but I would feel as though I'm completely ignoring the fact that you haven't heard a thing from me in 9 months.  I feel as though an explanation is due.

There is a reason I stopped posting.  And there is a reason why I haven't begun again until now.  Even now, I'm hesitant to begin again because I know the time and commitment that is required with a blog like mine.  But it's time.

So many of you have been so patient and gracious with me during this time.  You've continued to encourage me to start again.  Just today a friend on Facebook tagged me in a post by one of her friends, someone I've never met, telling her to tell me to start blogging again.  So here I am.  Typing.

In February of this year, Amelia had some medical needs that, in my opinion, were being somewhat ignored by her medical team.  I committed myself to full time research of how to best meet her needs myself.  If I wasn't directly taking care of Amelia, I was on the internet, talking with other moms in my situation in online forums, and even skyping with a child psychologist in Germany.  {You'll hear about that story one day.}  It took my full attention.  As did the months to follow.

I could stop there and blame my lack of posting on a lack of time, but there's more.  My next post is going to be about Amelia's birth.  And the story from here takes a turn.  One that is going to require me to relive moments, emotions, and choices that were scary, confusing, and eventually led me to a dark place.  Up until recently, anytime I went to those places in my mind, I responded with anger, resentment, and regret.  I didn't want to write Amelia's story with a tainted view.

I grew up in Houston, where rain and thunderstorms are common.  Driving in those storms is inevitable, especially because the sky can be blue and bright in the morning, and black and stormy by the afternoon.  I have memories of making the drive from Houston to Dallas on I-45 and seeing storms up ahead on the highway.  One minute I was driving in clear skies, and the next I had my wipers on high, my speed had slowed to 45 mph, and I couldn't see the car in front of me through the rain.  Not even 10 minutes later I was out of the storm and back under blue skies.

That has been my last year.  Blue skies.  Stormy weather with blurred vision.  And back to blue skies.  My hope is that I can accurately tell Amelia's story.

So thanks for waiting for me.

More to come,

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