Tuesday, January 3, 2012

I digress...

So I would imagine some of you are wondering why I'm talking so openly about this now when so many of you have been in the dark til now.  You may be a coworker thinking, "I see you every day.  Why didn't you say something about what you were going through?"  You may be my mother {Hi Mom.} thinking, "I didn't know any of this was going on."  You may have gone to high school with me thinking, "Amanda, I haven't seen you in 14 years.  Why didn't you give me a call to tell me what was going on in your life?"  Okay, maybe not the last one.  You Bearkats are probably giving me a break on this one.  All that to say, I do feel responsible to offer some sort of explanation.

We all know there's a happy ending to this story.  Just scroll to the top of the page and see my sweet girl.  I hope I didn't just ruin the end for some of you.  Maybe I should change the picture up top to one of me with my hands up in the air gesturing, "I don't know what's going to happen."  Probably too late for that.  As I type, I can hear her over the monitor babbling and squealing up in bed instead of sleeping.  I don't think I would be able to share all of this if we didn't have a child right now.

Chris and I decided at the beginning of all this that we wanted to keep our choices private.  In the beginning my hopes were high, and each month I would envision myself giving my family the good news.  I never really lost that hope.  I would have much rather given my family the news that we were expecting than say "Um, we've been trying to get pregnant and haven't been able too, but we're still trying so just give us some more time."  My family was gracious to never want an answer as to why we didn't have children, and I have always appreciated that.  "Appreciate" is an under-statement.  Well if we weren't telling our family about what we were doing, we were certainly not going to tell the masses.

Over the years I was asked once a week on average if we were planning on having kids one day.  I would give a quick, "Yes, we'd love to have kids." and then try to change the topic.  And then there's the folks that are bold enough to ask if we're trying to have kids.  Do they not realize what they're asking about?  Our personal bedroom habits.  I heard "Why don't you guys have some kids already?" and "Well you obviously don't want to have children." or "When are you going to hurry up and have a baby?"  I hope we're not treating singles this way too.  Can you imagine asking a single lady who isn't dating anyone "Why don't you get married already?" or "Well you obviously don't want to get married." or "When are you going to hurry up and get married?"  We couldn't do anything more about the fact that we didn't have children than a single lady could about not being married.

I was crushed every month when "the news" came.  I couldn't imagine including more than just a few people in on that.  I chose just two friends to share all the nitty gritty details with.  They got excited with me when my follicles were growing, or my uterine lining was thick.  See, you're already glad I didn't tell you what was going on!  {I know way more than I should about the female anatomy and the reproductive system.  I could teach a class.}  But it was even tiring to include them at times.  Not because of them, but I was so obsessed with the details, I just wanted to forget about it all at times.  But that was impossible.

So now that all of that is in the past, I'm finding it quite refreshing to talk about all of this.  Every woman is different in how she chooses to share this part of her life.  I know ladies who were even more private than me in regards to their fertility and other ladies who were very open.  I knew myself and what I was going to be capable of, and I went with it.

More to come,


  1. Well said Amanda, I have been asked "why don't you get married already?!" Thanks for sharing and letting me put myself in your shoes in some small portion!

  2. I love hearing your story...because it is mine, also. :-) Thank you so much for sharing.

  3. I really appreciate that you're "coming clean" on all of this. So many of my questions over the past eight years are being answered. Thanks sis! :)

  4. I know just what you mean. My husband and I got asked all the time, and it hurt really badly because we WERE trying, and it just wasn't happening for a little while. My story has a happy ending too (hopefully- I'm 9 weeks tomorrow but we haven't told anyone but our parents yet, shhhh :)) but I just don't get how people can be so insensitive... Congrats on your beautiful little one!