Friday, December 30, 2011

The Beginning of the End

It was a year ago today.  I spent roughly 12 hours in a car with my husband, Chris, driving home from spending time with my family for the holidays.  When I wasn't driving, I sat in the back with our dog spontaneously crying, the kind of crying where you lose your breath and squeak because you don't want the other passenger to hear you.  Why the tears?  Two days prior I got "the news" that, yet again, I was not pregnant.  It was our last month of fertility treatments and officially trying to get pregnant.  After trying, on and off, for eight years, we were done, or at least taking a much needed break, from spending all of our emotions, money, time, and energy on this en-devour of trying to have a baby, something that comes so easily for most people.

I couldn't hold my disappointment in any longer.  This month was different.  So many other months I was left to think, "Well, we've always got next month."  Or "Maybe it will work next month."  But we had just experienced three months of absolute ideal criteria for getting pregnant.  Everything was in order and if I were able to conceive, I should have sometime during those three months.  There was no reason that we or our doctors knew of that would prevent us from getting pregnant.

The next day I was gearing up to go to our friends' New Year's party.  I couldn't stop picturing myself walking into the party, making eye contact with my dear friend, and bursting into tears because she would know something was wrong purely from the look on my face.  "Suck it up, Amanda."  So I proceeded to do my hair, finish my make up, and get dressed.  Chris and I drove over to their house, sat outside in the car, and debated whether or not I was going to be able to go into the party.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't sit through an evening of fun pretending to be okay.

I felt terrible for Chris.  He had to be tired of seeing me cry.  Months and years of crying.  I was tired of crying.  Disappointment.  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick."  Proverbs 13:12.  I had a broken heart.  And had I gotten to the point where my joy had been stolen?  Quite possibly, but I had learned way too much during these eight years to stay that way.  My identity is not in whether or not I have a child.  My joy cannot be based on my circumstances.  My purpose in life is not to be a mother.

So then why have children?  Why did I want this so bad?  Chris asked me this the month before.  He sweetly asked, "Help me understand why you want this so bad, because I would never put my body through everything you are for anything."  I immediately knew my answer: a relationship.  It's a relationship that I want to have.  The same way a single lady knows she wants a husband, whether she gets one or not, I knew I wanted a child to invest my life into.

More to come,
Amanda

10 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing... I look forward to hearing more. :)

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  2. Ditto what Beth said. I also experienced this feeling, but it pales compared to how long you went through it. So happy to see how God is blessing you now, and look forward to hearing more of your journey.

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  3. Thank you Amanda, you are helping me understand!

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  4. Thank you for sharing. I too have wanted to hear your story, and am looking forward to it continuing! Love you Amanda! So happy that God blessed you both with Amelia Rose. She is beautiful, and I think, looks a lot like Chris!

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  5. Amanda, Thank you for sharing your story. I cried while I read this. This is so near and dear to my heart. Your words are just how we have been feeling, but we are so excited to see the baby God has for us in His Timing.

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  6. So excited to hear how it all happened. Amelia is a doll. What an awesome gift from Him!

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  7. I'm so glad you are sharing your story with us! You are a fantastic writer. You had me crying with you.

    I think she looks a lot like Chris too!

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  8. Oh Amanda, what a heart wrenching story~!!! Thank you for sharing it with us. God had this special relationship (Amelia Rose) all wrapped up for you, but just hadn't told you yet. He was REALLY stretching you, and we know that your heart was always to please HIM. We all can learn from you as we go through our own trials, being reminded that God has only good for His children who love Him and are called according to His good purposes. We love you and are praying for all 3 of you~!!! God is so good~!!! :-)

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  9. Amanda, let me begin by saying congratulations, I am so happy for you and Chris on your precious daughter. I can't imagine how much of a struggle that you both went through. Andrew and I had been trying for a year, in that year I had a miscarriage and I thought that had ended my days of having more children. I know a small amount of what you went through, the anxiousness of waiting to see if you are or not each month and the disappointment when you are not. It is a difficult thing to go through and I could not imagine the amount of struggle that you have gone through. I am so happy for the three of you. May God continue to bless your family. With our love, Rebecka, Andrew and Allison Dippold.

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  10. Melissa Gill is my younger sister. She told me about your blog because my husband & I want to adopt someday. Thank you for sharing about the trails you've been through, for your honesty. Praise the Lord for Amelia Rose! I see comments that she looks like Chris. God cares about your family down to facial features, the "minor" details that are actually a big deal! Most of the people I know who are adopted don't look adopted. What a special added bonus from the Lord =)

    The profile book below is well done, so professional. Was that something you choice to do or required by the agency?

    the surrendered life is an abundant, joyful life!

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