So I wrote my last post at ten o'clock at night, after a stressful weekend that I will most likely share about in a far future post, tired and writing out of a sense of obligation to get this story goin'. As I was writing I was fully aware that I was in my Joe Friday mode. "Just the facts ma'am." I have been contemplating writing Part Deux, and upon receiving a note from my new editor today (A, you're hired) I knew I had at least one reader looking for a bit more "humanity," as she described it. I couldn't agree more. So here goes.
The month for us couldn't have gone fast enough. When we set up our first interview with Liz, we hated that it was two weeks away. We were ready to do it right then and there. I was hoping to set a new record for fastest home study ever! With Chris and I working so close to home, our schedule was extremely flexible, and Chris could come home early when needed. I would imagine not all families have that same flexibility as us. So when we had to wait on Liz's schedule to clear up, it kind of irked us. "Come on, let's get this goin'."
Because of our "Nothing to Hide" mentality, we really weren't worried about the interviews. I was probably more nervous about my house being clean and presentable than my life and heart being exposed. Yes, we had done a full out house cleaning before Liz came over. I think I even wiped down our base boards. The other reason I really wasn't nervous were the years of preparation that my job had provided for me. Working as a Dean of Women required me to interview around twenty women in a semester's time. I also met with three ladies a week to discuss their lives and responsibilities as student leaders. Much of this experience refined my question asking skills and ability to articulate my thoughts.
Do you remember the poster on the wall in your seventh grade classroom that said something like, "You can do whatever you want to do"? I've been told that I believed that message, and it has contributed to my overwhelming self-sufficiency. Although this characteristic is often times my biggest flaw, in this situation it provided me much comfort. Tell a stranger about all my dirt and skeletons in the closet? "Okay. I can do it!"
If I had to pick a word to describe the tone of the interviews it would be harmless. Most of that was provided by Liz. Talk about a Joe Friday! She initially came across to me as being cold, which is ironically the first impression I give others, but I figured that quality was needed in her job, providing a service yet not getting too attached. As the interviews proceeded I began to see Liz's humanity and joined her in the process of providing as much integrity to the home study as possible. Of course there's the temptation to sugar coat my weaknesses as an individual, our struggles as a couple, and my past and present failures. I knew each question wasn't an opportunity to disqualify us from adopting as much as it was to provide each birthparent with the opportunity to accurately know us, thus providing them with a clear picture of what their child's life with us would be like. With this attitude, I knew there was no reason to feel threatened as someone I barely knew dug deep into my heart and life.
All of our fertility treatments brought Chris and I closer together over the years. The adoption process only continued to do so. It's always encouraging to hear your spouse rattle off your best qualities when asked to describe your strengths. Early in marriage Chris and I tried to find a common hobby for us to share as a couple. We tried and tried to find something that both of us equally enjoyed. For as much as Chris and I have in common in regards to zeal, drive, and stubbornness, you'd think we could find something to do together, but alas, there was nothing. He likes the outdoors. I like being indoors. He likes walking up a mountain. I like walking through outlet malls. He doesn't like playing games. I always win at games. Probably why he doesn't like playing them! We eventually decided our shared interest was food and dining out, but deep down we probably are both thinking that it is a lame excuse for a hobby. The adoption process was a good reminder that we are on the same page, the same team, having the same goal in mind. We wanted a baby. Together.
So, what else was on my mind during this time of waiting? A nursery and a name.
More to come,
Amanda
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Nothing to Hide
To my knowledge, anyone in the U.S. who wants to adopt, domestically or internationally, is required to have a home study completed and approved. Chris and I went into it with the attitude, "We have nothing to hide." We were going to be open, honest, and transparent, no matter what question was asked of us, and if Liz found something in our lives that disqualified us from adopting, then so be it.
The first interview lasted about three hours. It began with us giving Liz a tour of the house. We walked through every room, including the basement, and she jotted down a description as we went along. She was looking for smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, functioning doors and locks on all doors {this has yet to be addressed upstairs. We don't have one door that functions properly up there. Oops.}, and adequate space for a child to live. After the tour Liz asked us a broad array of questions. What is your neighborhood like? How do you resolve conflict as a couple? What are your strengths and weaknesses? How would you describe your spouse in three words? What does your family think of you adopting? Would you describe yourself as culturally minded people? And on and on. The three hours went very quickly.
Before Liz's next visit, Chris and I were to complete personal questionnaires independently of the other person. We couldn't share our answers or talk about the questions at all. These questions were much more detailed. How would you describe your childhood? It asked about child discipline, alcohol and drug use, past relationships, your spouse's history, and on and on again. Liz's second visit was four hours long. Two were one on one with me, and the other two were with Chris one on one. She went over our questionnaires with us individually, clarifying, asking for stories and further explanations, and I must say that by the end of it, she knew far more about me than my best friends and family.
A month after the first interview we had our third. It's now the end of March. This interview was two to three hours, going over any remaining questions that Liz had and clarifying previous answers given. So what is Liz doing with all of this information? She used it all to compile and compose our home study. In the end, it was a twenty page document, all written by Liz, with everything that we talked about. There wasn't anything that we talked about that didn't make it in that document. It was alot of work for her and took a little over two months for her to complete.
I was always, and still am, so appreciative of all of Liz's work. January was her first month working as a case worker, and we were one of about twenty families that she was working with. She was always very careful and respectful of everything we divulged to her, and she would often refer to her "crazy weekends" that I later learned involved last minute adoptions and placements. She traveled all over to people's homes and hospitals, and she was the only full time case worker in her office.
So with all of the interviews completed, our only responsibility was to wait for approval. Birthparents couldn't look at our profile until we received it. Wait. Wait. Wait.
More to come,
Amanda
The first interview lasted about three hours. It began with us giving Liz a tour of the house. We walked through every room, including the basement, and she jotted down a description as we went along. She was looking for smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, functioning doors and locks on all doors {this has yet to be addressed upstairs. We don't have one door that functions properly up there. Oops.}, and adequate space for a child to live. After the tour Liz asked us a broad array of questions. What is your neighborhood like? How do you resolve conflict as a couple? What are your strengths and weaknesses? How would you describe your spouse in three words? What does your family think of you adopting? Would you describe yourself as culturally minded people? And on and on. The three hours went very quickly.
Before Liz's next visit, Chris and I were to complete personal questionnaires independently of the other person. We couldn't share our answers or talk about the questions at all. These questions were much more detailed. How would you describe your childhood? It asked about child discipline, alcohol and drug use, past relationships, your spouse's history, and on and on again. Liz's second visit was four hours long. Two were one on one with me, and the other two were with Chris one on one. She went over our questionnaires with us individually, clarifying, asking for stories and further explanations, and I must say that by the end of it, she knew far more about me than my best friends and family.
A month after the first interview we had our third. It's now the end of March. This interview was two to three hours, going over any remaining questions that Liz had and clarifying previous answers given. So what is Liz doing with all of this information? She used it all to compile and compose our home study. In the end, it was a twenty page document, all written by Liz, with everything that we talked about. There wasn't anything that we talked about that didn't make it in that document. It was alot of work for her and took a little over two months for her to complete.
I was always, and still am, so appreciative of all of Liz's work. January was her first month working as a case worker, and we were one of about twenty families that she was working with. She was always very careful and respectful of everything we divulged to her, and she would often refer to her "crazy weekends" that I later learned involved last minute adoptions and placements. She traveled all over to people's homes and hospitals, and she was the only full time case worker in her office.
So with all of the interviews completed, our only responsibility was to wait for approval. Birthparents couldn't look at our profile until we received it. Wait. Wait. Wait.
More to come,
Amanda
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Got My Creative Juices Flowin'
I couldn't wait to put together our Family Profile. No really. I couldn't wait. It didn't need to be ready until all of our interviews were complete and we were approved. I had our's done before our first interview!
The Family Profile book is what the birthparents look through to get a better picture of where their child will live and what kind of life they may have. Will their child go on vacations? Will their child play sports? What kind of extended family will their child have? The birthparents may look at 3 profiles or they may see 12. I'll tell you later how all that works.
When putting together the book, it is so tempting to adopt {pun not intended} an attitude of selling yourself, making yourself and your life appear to be something it's not. I wanted our book to be accurate, but fun. I wanted the book to be easy on the eyes and to give relevant details. I looked through a ton of profile books online before I began working on our's. I saw some books that were so busy and difficult to follow. Families would go on and on about things that didn't even matter, like detailed stories of their lives. "I was born on a cold winter night, blah blah blah." I wanted to provide a quick glimpse into our life.
On the one hand, I was so excited to get my creative juices flowing. On the other hand, this project weighed on my heart. A woman with a baby in her belly is going to read my book and decide whether or not she sees her baby living with us for the rest of its life. So many people have the misconception that women give their babies up for adoption because they don't love their child. It is often the complete opposite. So many of these courageous women want the very best for their baby, and they know that they can't provide it themselves. They give their baby up for adoption with their child's best interest at heart. It is a sacrifice. We viewed adoption as serving a woman as much as we did helping a child.
If you'd like to see our profile book, click here. Here's our profile video that was posted on Bethany's website for birthparents to view. Hope you like them.
More to come,
Amanda
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The Ball is Rolling
One week after mailing off our initial application I received an email with a username and password to our personal webpage with Bethany. It was a portal that would be used for communication between us and Liz. I quickly signed in, well as quickly as our slow internet would allow, and saw that our formal application was posted and ready for us to fill it out. I didn't even wait for Chris to come home. He wasn't surprised. He knows how much I like to fill out forms! When he did come home, he went to exercise, knowing I was fully capable of completing it myself. This form was a bit more detailed and lengthy than the previous one. We were asked to provide names for references, basic financial information, and a simple explanation of our home and neighborhood. We were also asked to briefly state why we were pursuing adoption. I had it all done within a couple hours, so it couldn't have been that challenging. Chris and I clicked "submit," and it was off.
right after we submitted our formal application
Just two days later I received a message on the portal saying our application was approved. We met with Liz the following week to go over initial paperwork. We signed some serious papers stating we were committing to adopt through Bethany and a financial agreement to pay every penny as the adoption process progressed. The total amount of the adoption would be $19,800. Ouch! Here we are signing these papers saying we'd pay, and we didn't have that money. We didn't even have half that money in savings! Chris and I make eye contact and look at each other saying with our eyes, "Are we idiots? Well, he we go!" I guess some fund-raising was in order. Before we left the meeting, we set up our first in-home interview with Liz. It would be the first of three length interviews.
One of the first forms we had to complete as a couple was our Service and Openness Plan. It was a simple two-sided piece of paper, but boy was it jam-packed with some significant information. We had to decide what adoption opportunities we would be open to hearing about and which ones we were not willing to consider. These are babies we're talking about. Babies that we were not willing to consider. What if the birthmother smoked or drank or took drugs or prescription pills while she was pregnant. What if the birthfather had a family history including depression, schizophrenia, or drug use? What if the conception was the result of rape? What if the child had medical needs? And the questions went on and on. And we had to say "yes," "no," or "open to consideration" with each potential situation. I won't go into all the lovely conversations that Chris and I had, but needless to say, two people will almost always differ at some point. We had some differing opinions, but what we agreed on was that we were open to any gender, any race, and we knew we wanted the child to be healthy. We were not in a place financially to care for a child with special needs. We wanted a child with special needs to be with a family capable of providing the money and time required to care for them.
We also needed to decide what kind of openness we wanted with the birthmother. Here's some adoption vocabulary definitions for you:
closed adoption- there is no exchange of identifying information and there is no further contact with the birthparents once the child is in your custody
semi-open adoption- there is possibly some identifying information exchanged and contact after the child is placed
open-adoption- full exchange of information and ongoing contact and visits with the birthparents
Your mind may go where mine went, to some Lifetime movie for women about a deranged birthmother that kidnaps her child after it has been given to a family. We were quick to learn that is not the norm, AT ALL. A closed adoption initially seemed ideal, but we saw such an opportunity with the birthparents if we were to have some level of openness. If there was on-going contact with them, what kind of relationship could we build and what role could we play in their lives? We consented to a semi-open adoption and spelled out what kind of specifics we would be willing to work with; visitations, emails, pictures, and letters. All of this and we're not even a couple weeks into the application process. Jumping in with both feet.
Well, if it wasn't official already that we were adopting, we definitely were now. And the first thing on my mind? Baby Registry! Chris and I didn't register for wedding gifts, and I've always regretted it. I could not wait to walk around a store with a plastic gun and scan as many UPC's as I wanted. It was right around Valentine's Day {my how time flies}, and I told Chris all I wanted was to go and register. He was totally up for it. I think he was a little excited too about looking at baby gadgets and gizmos. We headed to Babies R Us that weekend. Was I crazy? I felt crazy. I'm filling out a form at BRU that asked me what gender my baby is? I don't know. What is your baby's due date? I don't know. We made one up. December 31st. I wrote it completely in disbelief that we would actually have a baby by the new year. I envisioned yet another Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year without a child. We were told that once you're approved and birthmothers begin looking at your profile, it can take anywhere from 6-18 months before you're chosen. December 31st was pushing it, but I knew I could always change it to later if I needed to.
I flew to TX a week later to visit my best friend and to tell my parents our news. I borrowed my friend's car and drove to my parents, a quick 25 minute drive. Here I go. I finally get to tell them the news after wanting to for so long. I didn't do anything creative. No baby booties in a box or T-shirt saying "Hey Mom and Dad, we're adopting." I was just going to tell them. I don't know why I thought they would just be sitting around on a Saturday waiting for me to show up. Mom was busy working on a sewing project, and dad was either about to exercise or just did. I forget. Somehow we all three ended up in the kitchen, and before they returned to their previous activities I spoke up, "Sooo, I have something I want to tell you." They stopped in their tracks wide-eyed. "Chris and I have decided that we..." Their eyes grew even wider. "are going to adopt a baby." Mom burst into tears and Dad started laughing out of excitement. Big group hug! They had all sorts of questions and were so excited.
More to come,
Amanda
Monday, January 9, 2012
Not if, but when
preg-nant [preg-nuhnt]- adjective
fraught, filled, or abounding {usually followed by with}: a woman pregnant with anticipation.
That was me! Finally preggers, just differently than most women. That night Chris came home from work, and I immediately hugged him. "Thanks for letting us adopt a baby."
"You're welcome."
"Honey, for the first time ever, in my life, I feel pregnant. It's always been 'if we have a baby,' and now it's 'when we have a baby.'" I had NEVER been able to confidently say that.
I was pregnant with anticipation. Pregnant with excitement. Pregnant! My husband saying "Yes" was like the stick turning pink {and I had no idea how much pink was about to come into my life}.
Three weeks later we were getting ready to go to the information meeting. I imagined a big room with chairs in a circle filled with happy couples, like ourselves, thrilled to be hearing about the opportunity of adopting a child of their own. Maybe we would go around the circle and say our names and how long we've been married. Bonding. Sharing. I can't wait!
We make it there with time to spare and are led down a short hallway where our soon-to-be case worker welcomes us {I will refer to our case worker as Liz for the sake of anonymity}. There is a card table set up with a sign-in sheet, water bottles, and snacks. Chris and I are never ones to pass up water and snacks, so we load up and head in. The room is smaller than our bedroom and has 4 rows of 8 metal folding chairs with a puny middle aisle down the center. It is dead silent, and there's about three other couples already seated. I slowly take off my puffer coat from New Year's, careful not to punch the people sitting behind us in the face. Tight spaces. I twist off my water bottle cap and take a small sip. CRUNCH! "Shh." Chris is enjoying his salty snack. I don't think anyone else but us took advantage of the snacks that night.
By the time the meeting began there was about ten couples in the room, and it appeared only one of them were truly ecstatic about being there. That would be us! I was thinking things like "I wouldn't even want these people to babysit for me," and "I guess these people haven't had the past two years as us or else they'd have grins on their faces like us." I quickly learned that not all people who adopt are quite like us. Some are, but not all.
We spent the next hour being overwhelmed with details and watching a power point and video filled with sweet children's faces. With each face I thought "I would take care of you." "I could be your mommy." "Yes please." At the end of the meeting we filled out some forms saying we were interested in more information. Liz thanked us for coming, and we left well-informed and ready to begin the application process. We had a mini-application to fill out requesting access to a longer, detailed on-line application. Some basic info. Within three days it was complete, we wrote our first check to Bethany Christian Services for the application fee, and it was all ready for the mail. Let's get this party started!
More to come,
Amanda
fraught, filled, or abounding {usually followed by with}: a woman pregnant with anticipation.
That was me! Finally preggers, just differently than most women. That night Chris came home from work, and I immediately hugged him. "Thanks for letting us adopt a baby."
"You're welcome."
"Honey, for the first time ever, in my life, I feel pregnant. It's always been 'if we have a baby,' and now it's 'when we have a baby.'" I had NEVER been able to confidently say that.
I was pregnant with anticipation. Pregnant with excitement. Pregnant! My husband saying "Yes" was like the stick turning pink {and I had no idea how much pink was about to come into my life}.
Three weeks later we were getting ready to go to the information meeting. I imagined a big room with chairs in a circle filled with happy couples, like ourselves, thrilled to be hearing about the opportunity of adopting a child of their own. Maybe we would go around the circle and say our names and how long we've been married. Bonding. Sharing. I can't wait!
We make it there with time to spare and are led down a short hallway where our soon-to-be case worker welcomes us {I will refer to our case worker as Liz for the sake of anonymity}. There is a card table set up with a sign-in sheet, water bottles, and snacks. Chris and I are never ones to pass up water and snacks, so we load up and head in. The room is smaller than our bedroom and has 4 rows of 8 metal folding chairs with a puny middle aisle down the center. It is dead silent, and there's about three other couples already seated. I slowly take off my puffer coat from New Year's, careful not to punch the people sitting behind us in the face. Tight spaces. I twist off my water bottle cap and take a small sip. CRUNCH! "Shh." Chris is enjoying his salty snack. I don't think anyone else but us took advantage of the snacks that night.
By the time the meeting began there was about ten couples in the room, and it appeared only one of them were truly ecstatic about being there. That would be us! I was thinking things like "I wouldn't even want these people to babysit for me," and "I guess these people haven't had the past two years as us or else they'd have grins on their faces like us." I quickly learned that not all people who adopt are quite like us. Some are, but not all.
We spent the next hour being overwhelmed with details and watching a power point and video filled with sweet children's faces. With each face I thought "I would take care of you." "I could be your mommy." "Yes please." At the end of the meeting we filled out some forms saying we were interested in more information. Liz thanked us for coming, and we left well-informed and ready to begin the application process. We had a mini-application to fill out requesting access to a longer, detailed on-line application. Some basic info. Within three days it was complete, we wrote our first check to Bethany Christian Services for the application fee, and it was all ready for the mail. Let's get this party started!
More to come,
Amanda
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Proceed With Caution
First of all, I have heard from many of you lovely single ladies out there, and you have unanimously said that you too are being asked these horrid questions. Shame on us. Is there no tact in the world? May we learn to be less nosey and more thoughtful when interacting with others.
Now, back to our story.
Don't be confused. Chris had just agreed to go to an informational meeting. He had not said we were going to adopt. I knew that about him. He does not like the whoa-man to get too far out ahead of the man. We had been dating for two years in college when my lease was up for my one bedroom apartment that I had been living in for about a year. If we were going to get engaged, then I would renew the lease and we would live there together once we were married. If not, then it was sianara shweetheart, and I needed to make some plans for moving. I tried, in the most round-about way, to ask Chris if I should renew my lease, thus avoiding asking him straight out if he was going to propose. He had nothing to do with my questioning. He practically stayed silent, or he would say something like, "Let's just wait." Um, there is no waiting in lease renewing and moving. He hated that I was even asking. Again, the whoa-man getting out a little too far ahead of the man. So I knew he had agreed to a meeting and nothing else, and I should not ask about anything else until he brought it up himself.
You may be further confused about why he had to decide whether or not we should adopt a baby. Didn't you just spend years pursuing a child? What else is there to decide? Anyone who has gone through fertility treatments of any kind will tell you it is exhausting. Most couples decide they want a baby, they do "the deed" {wink, wink}, and they get pregnant. Then there's the couples that aren't even trying and they get pregnant {Grrr}. Trying to get pregnant when it doesn't come naturally is exhausting. Broken record! Your relationship goes from, "Oh, you're my best friend. I love you. Let's go hug and kiss." to a business meeting that you have to be at and you know there is a chance of it going badly. Spontaneity? Ha! Everything is timed, planned, calculated, and you're so chalk full of hormones your husband can't remember the last time you were all that appealing. One month I had three times the progesterone in my body that a woman should have.
Who knew what kinds of challenges adoption was going to bring. I've heard horror stories of failed adoptions that break your heart. We were not jumping into this expecting sunshine and roses. Chris had to wrestle with whether or not we should jump into yet another opportunity that would, yet again, cost our time, money, and emotions.
On January 4th, he came home for lunch, and we had a long talk about everything I just explained to you. It was one of those rare conversations in marriage where there is absolutely no tension, and the two of us have a team mentality rather than one of opponents. We talked through what all would change in our life and how a baby would change us, as a couple and individuals. Talking through all the potentials got Chris excited. He said, "Ya know I have wanted to adopt all along." True statement. He had. I was thinking, "Soooo?" Chris uttered, "I think we should adopt a baby."
More to come,
Amanda
Now, back to our story.
Don't be confused. Chris had just agreed to go to an informational meeting. He had not said we were going to adopt. I knew that about him. He does not like the whoa-man to get too far out ahead of the man. We had been dating for two years in college when my lease was up for my one bedroom apartment that I had been living in for about a year. If we were going to get engaged, then I would renew the lease and we would live there together once we were married. If not, then it was sianara shweetheart, and I needed to make some plans for moving. I tried, in the most round-about way, to ask Chris if I should renew my lease, thus avoiding asking him straight out if he was going to propose. He had nothing to do with my questioning. He practically stayed silent, or he would say something like, "Let's just wait." Um, there is no waiting in lease renewing and moving. He hated that I was even asking. Again, the whoa-man getting out a little too far ahead of the man. So I knew he had agreed to a meeting and nothing else, and I should not ask about anything else until he brought it up himself.
You may be further confused about why he had to decide whether or not we should adopt a baby. Didn't you just spend years pursuing a child? What else is there to decide? Anyone who has gone through fertility treatments of any kind will tell you it is exhausting. Most couples decide they want a baby, they do "the deed" {wink, wink}, and they get pregnant. Then there's the couples that aren't even trying and they get pregnant {Grrr}. Trying to get pregnant when it doesn't come naturally is exhausting. Broken record! Your relationship goes from, "Oh, you're my best friend. I love you. Let's go hug and kiss." to a business meeting that you have to be at and you know there is a chance of it going badly. Spontaneity? Ha! Everything is timed, planned, calculated, and you're so chalk full of hormones your husband can't remember the last time you were all that appealing. One month I had three times the progesterone in my body that a woman should have.
Who knew what kinds of challenges adoption was going to bring. I've heard horror stories of failed adoptions that break your heart. We were not jumping into this expecting sunshine and roses. Chris had to wrestle with whether or not we should jump into yet another opportunity that would, yet again, cost our time, money, and emotions.
On January 4th, he came home for lunch, and we had a long talk about everything I just explained to you. It was one of those rare conversations in marriage where there is absolutely no tension, and the two of us have a team mentality rather than one of opponents. We talked through what all would change in our life and how a baby would change us, as a couple and individuals. Talking through all the potentials got Chris excited. He said, "Ya know I have wanted to adopt all along." True statement. He had. I was thinking, "Soooo?" Chris uttered, "I think we should adopt a baby."
More to come,
Amanda
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
I digress...
So I would imagine some of you are wondering why I'm talking so openly about this now when so many of you have been in the dark til now. You may be a coworker thinking, "I see you every day. Why didn't you say something about what you were going through?" You may be my mother {Hi Mom.} thinking, "I didn't know any of this was going on." You may have gone to high school with me thinking, "Amanda, I haven't seen you in 14 years. Why didn't you give me a call to tell me what was going on in your life?" Okay, maybe not the last one. You Bearkats are probably giving me a break on this one. All that to say, I do feel responsible to offer some sort of explanation.
We all know there's a happy ending to this story. Just scroll to the top of the page and see my sweet girl. I hope I didn't just ruin the end for some of you. Maybe I should change the picture up top to one of me with my hands up in the air gesturing, "I don't know what's going to happen." Probably too late for that. As I type, I can hear her over the monitor babbling and squealing up in bed instead of sleeping. I don't think I would be able to share all of this if we didn't have a child right now.
Chris and I decided at the beginning of all this that we wanted to keep our choices private. In the beginning my hopes were high, and each month I would envision myself giving my family the good news. I never really lost that hope. I would have much rather given my family the news that we were expecting than say "Um, we've been trying to get pregnant and haven't been able too, but we're still trying so just give us some more time." My family was gracious to never want an answer as to why we didn't have children, and I have always appreciated that. "Appreciate" is an under-statement. Well if we weren't telling our family about what we were doing, we were certainly not going to tell the masses.
Over the years I was asked once a week on average if we were planning on having kids one day. I would give a quick, "Yes, we'd love to have kids." and then try to change the topic. And then there's the folks that are bold enough to ask if we're trying to have kids. Do they not realize what they're asking about? Our personal bedroom habits. I heard "Why don't you guys have some kids already?" and "Well you obviously don't want to have children." or "When are you going to hurry up and have a baby?" I hope we're not treating singles this way too. Can you imagine asking a single lady who isn't dating anyone "Why don't you get married already?" or "Well you obviously don't want to get married." or "When are you going to hurry up and get married?" We couldn't do anything more about the fact that we didn't have children than a single lady could about not being married.
I was crushed every month when "the news" came. I couldn't imagine including more than just a few people in on that. I chose just two friends to share all the nitty gritty details with. They got excited with me when my follicles were growing, or my uterine lining was thick. See, you're already glad I didn't tell you what was going on! {I know way more than I should about the female anatomy and the reproductive system. I could teach a class.} But it was even tiring to include them at times. Not because of them, but I was so obsessed with the details, I just wanted to forget about it all at times. But that was impossible.
So now that all of that is in the past, I'm finding it quite refreshing to talk about all of this. Every woman is different in how she chooses to share this part of her life. I know ladies who were even more private than me in regards to their fertility and other ladies who were very open. I knew myself and what I was going to be capable of, and I went with it.
More to come,
Amanda
We all know there's a happy ending to this story. Just scroll to the top of the page and see my sweet girl. I hope I didn't just ruin the end for some of you. Maybe I should change the picture up top to one of me with my hands up in the air gesturing, "I don't know what's going to happen." Probably too late for that. As I type, I can hear her over the monitor babbling and squealing up in bed instead of sleeping. I don't think I would be able to share all of this if we didn't have a child right now.
Chris and I decided at the beginning of all this that we wanted to keep our choices private. In the beginning my hopes were high, and each month I would envision myself giving my family the good news. I never really lost that hope. I would have much rather given my family the news that we were expecting than say "Um, we've been trying to get pregnant and haven't been able too, but we're still trying so just give us some more time." My family was gracious to never want an answer as to why we didn't have children, and I have always appreciated that. "Appreciate" is an under-statement. Well if we weren't telling our family about what we were doing, we were certainly not going to tell the masses.
Over the years I was asked once a week on average if we were planning on having kids one day. I would give a quick, "Yes, we'd love to have kids." and then try to change the topic. And then there's the folks that are bold enough to ask if we're trying to have kids. Do they not realize what they're asking about? Our personal bedroom habits. I heard "Why don't you guys have some kids already?" and "Well you obviously don't want to have children." or "When are you going to hurry up and have a baby?" I hope we're not treating singles this way too. Can you imagine asking a single lady who isn't dating anyone "Why don't you get married already?" or "Well you obviously don't want to get married." or "When are you going to hurry up and get married?" We couldn't do anything more about the fact that we didn't have children than a single lady could about not being married.
I was crushed every month when "the news" came. I couldn't imagine including more than just a few people in on that. I chose just two friends to share all the nitty gritty details with. They got excited with me when my follicles were growing, or my uterine lining was thick. See, you're already glad I didn't tell you what was going on! {I know way more than I should about the female anatomy and the reproductive system. I could teach a class.} But it was even tiring to include them at times. Not because of them, but I was so obsessed with the details, I just wanted to forget about it all at times. But that was impossible.
So now that all of that is in the past, I'm finding it quite refreshing to talk about all of this. Every woman is different in how she chooses to share this part of her life. I know ladies who were even more private than me in regards to their fertility and other ladies who were very open. I knew myself and what I was going to be capable of, and I went with it.
More to come,
Amanda
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A New Year
By the next morning I was more composed and we decided to spend the day hitting some New Year's sales and spending Christmas money that we were given. Life looked a little brighter when I found a black knee-length puffer coat at J. Crew on sale to replace the flimsy one I found at Gap. Who wants a flimsy puffer coat? Anyways...
There is some background information needed before I can move on in our story. In January of 2010, we had just finished our first year of fertility treatments and were deciding what our next step was going to be. Either I could go see a Reproductive Endocrinologist who could help us find more answers as to why we couldn't get pregnant or we could pursue adoption. We decided to go the R.E. route to hopefully find more answers. It took 10 months before we did any more treatment. Although the treatments were successful, the outcomes were not.
We were both exhausted by the end of 2010. The thought of pursuing another option to get a baby was especially exhausting for Chris. I was treading very lightly in even proposing that we look into adoption in 2011. I had mentioned it just once to him during our December treatment as my hope of pregnancy had completely faded away. Our plan was to just wait and see. Slow the pace down and take a break.
Back to New Year's Day.... After a day of shopping we landed ourselves in a restaurant for a much needed dinner. We are both quiet as we are both in need of food. We have learned after nine years of marriage that it is better to stay quiet when you are hungry than to speak up and have your low blood sugar do the talking. We were also quiet because of the emotional week that we had had. There just wasn't much to say.
As the meal was coming to close {and it wasn't that good of a meal. Flat Top Grill. You have to be a stir fry artist to eat there. I made poor choices and my meal was the evidence. Chris liked his though.} we were still quiet even with food in our bellies. Out of the silence, Chris said "So, what would be the first thing we would need to do to look into adoption?" Even though my heart leapt, my face remained calm and I spoke slowly. The very last thing I wanted to do was pressure Chris into anything that he wasn't ready for. I did not want to look back and know that we had a child because I manipulated my husband. I wanted him to lead, and I knew that he would be heavily influenced if I were to start squealing and jumping in my seat. Calm down lady!
Of course I immediately had an answer for him because I had, of course, done research into our options were we to not get pregnant. I knew I wanted to work with Bethany Christian Services. They are very structured and organized in their approach to adoption. De speaka my language! I knew the first step before you could apply for adoption was to go to an Information Meeting at one of their local offices. I told Chris about the Info Mtg, and he stayed quiet. No response. "Okay Manda, he's quiet so you stay quiet. Zip your lip."
We left the restaurant and hit the road to go home. Half way home Chris said, "Could you look into one of those Information Meetings for us to go to?" "Sure babe." I got those two words out right before I began to weep, quietly of course, as to not flaunt that things were going as I had wished. "Thank you." He knew those two words did not adequately express my gratefulness for his willingness to once again move forward.
More to come,
Amanda
There is some background information needed before I can move on in our story. In January of 2010, we had just finished our first year of fertility treatments and were deciding what our next step was going to be. Either I could go see a Reproductive Endocrinologist who could help us find more answers as to why we couldn't get pregnant or we could pursue adoption. We decided to go the R.E. route to hopefully find more answers. It took 10 months before we did any more treatment. Although the treatments were successful, the outcomes were not.
We were both exhausted by the end of 2010. The thought of pursuing another option to get a baby was especially exhausting for Chris. I was treading very lightly in even proposing that we look into adoption in 2011. I had mentioned it just once to him during our December treatment as my hope of pregnancy had completely faded away. Our plan was to just wait and see. Slow the pace down and take a break.
Back to New Year's Day.... After a day of shopping we landed ourselves in a restaurant for a much needed dinner. We are both quiet as we are both in need of food. We have learned after nine years of marriage that it is better to stay quiet when you are hungry than to speak up and have your low blood sugar do the talking. We were also quiet because of the emotional week that we had had. There just wasn't much to say.
As the meal was coming to close {and it wasn't that good of a meal. Flat Top Grill. You have to be a stir fry artist to eat there. I made poor choices and my meal was the evidence. Chris liked his though.} we were still quiet even with food in our bellies. Out of the silence, Chris said "So, what would be the first thing we would need to do to look into adoption?" Even though my heart leapt, my face remained calm and I spoke slowly. The very last thing I wanted to do was pressure Chris into anything that he wasn't ready for. I did not want to look back and know that we had a child because I manipulated my husband. I wanted him to lead, and I knew that he would be heavily influenced if I were to start squealing and jumping in my seat. Calm down lady!
Of course I immediately had an answer for him because I had, of course, done research into our options were we to not get pregnant. I knew I wanted to work with Bethany Christian Services. They are very structured and organized in their approach to adoption. De speaka my language! I knew the first step before you could apply for adoption was to go to an Information Meeting at one of their local offices. I told Chris about the Info Mtg, and he stayed quiet. No response. "Okay Manda, he's quiet so you stay quiet. Zip your lip."
We left the restaurant and hit the road to go home. Half way home Chris said, "Could you look into one of those Information Meetings for us to go to?" "Sure babe." I got those two words out right before I began to weep, quietly of course, as to not flaunt that things were going as I had wished. "Thank you." He knew those two words did not adequately express my gratefulness for his willingness to once again move forward.
More to come,
Amanda
Friday, December 30, 2011
The Beginning of the End
It was a year ago today. I spent roughly 12 hours in a car with my husband, Chris, driving home from spending time with my family for the holidays. When I wasn't driving, I sat in the back with our dog spontaneously crying, the kind of crying where you lose your breath and squeak because you don't want the other passenger to hear you. Why the tears? Two days prior I got "the news" that, yet again, I was not pregnant. It was our last month of fertility treatments and officially trying to get pregnant. After trying, on and off, for eight years, we were done, or at least taking a much needed break, from spending all of our emotions, money, time, and energy on this en-devour of trying to have a baby, something that comes so easily for most people.
I couldn't hold my disappointment in any longer. This month was different. So many other months I was left to think, "Well, we've always got next month." Or "Maybe it will work next month." But we had just experienced three months of absolute ideal criteria for getting pregnant. Everything was in order and if I were able to conceive, I should have sometime during those three months. There was no reason that we or our doctors knew of that would prevent us from getting pregnant.
The next day I was gearing up to go to our friends' New Year's party. I couldn't stop picturing myself walking into the party, making eye contact with my dear friend, and bursting into tears because she would know something was wrong purely from the look on my face. "Suck it up, Amanda." So I proceeded to do my hair, finish my make up, and get dressed. Chris and I drove over to their house, sat outside in the car, and debated whether or not I was going to be able to go into the party. I couldn't do it. I couldn't sit through an evening of fun pretending to be okay.
I felt terrible for Chris. He had to be tired of seeing me cry. Months and years of crying. I was tired of crying. Disappointment. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Proverbs 13:12. I had a broken heart. And had I gotten to the point where my joy had been stolen? Quite possibly, but I had learned way too much during these eight years to stay that way. My identity is not in whether or not I have a child. My joy cannot be based on my circumstances. My purpose in life is not to be a mother.
So then why have children? Why did I want this so bad? Chris asked me this the month before. He sweetly asked, "Help me understand why you want this so bad, because I would never put my body through everything you are for anything." I immediately knew my answer: a relationship. It's a relationship that I want to have. The same way a single lady knows she wants a husband, whether she gets one or not, I knew I wanted a child to invest my life into.
More to come,
Amanda
I couldn't hold my disappointment in any longer. This month was different. So many other months I was left to think, "Well, we've always got next month." Or "Maybe it will work next month." But we had just experienced three months of absolute ideal criteria for getting pregnant. Everything was in order and if I were able to conceive, I should have sometime during those three months. There was no reason that we or our doctors knew of that would prevent us from getting pregnant.
The next day I was gearing up to go to our friends' New Year's party. I couldn't stop picturing myself walking into the party, making eye contact with my dear friend, and bursting into tears because she would know something was wrong purely from the look on my face. "Suck it up, Amanda." So I proceeded to do my hair, finish my make up, and get dressed. Chris and I drove over to their house, sat outside in the car, and debated whether or not I was going to be able to go into the party. I couldn't do it. I couldn't sit through an evening of fun pretending to be okay.
I felt terrible for Chris. He had to be tired of seeing me cry. Months and years of crying. I was tired of crying. Disappointment. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Proverbs 13:12. I had a broken heart. And had I gotten to the point where my joy had been stolen? Quite possibly, but I had learned way too much during these eight years to stay that way. My identity is not in whether or not I have a child. My joy cannot be based on my circumstances. My purpose in life is not to be a mother.
So then why have children? Why did I want this so bad? Chris asked me this the month before. He sweetly asked, "Help me understand why you want this so bad, because I would never put my body through everything you are for anything." I immediately knew my answer: a relationship. It's a relationship that I want to have. The same way a single lady knows she wants a husband, whether she gets one or not, I knew I wanted a child to invest my life into.
More to come,
Amanda
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